I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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