Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I want to fling myself into the sun
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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