A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
