Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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