I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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