Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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