I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I didn't notice because vodka
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
