Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
did i walk over a car last night?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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