I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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