I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
