Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
