I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
