we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
