I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
