I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
