Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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