JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
