Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
