The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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