ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
