I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
