I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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