sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
