I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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