so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
