The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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