2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
