she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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