I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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