Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
We had to coat check the pizza.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
