I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
