I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
