i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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