There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
