Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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