Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
