just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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