he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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