mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
