last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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