i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
