I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
