I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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