I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
