Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
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