you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
