why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
