I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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