Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
