I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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