Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
